How to Simulate Sailing Life at Home

  • Sleep on a shelf in your closet.
  • Replace your closet door with a curtain.
  • 5 hours after you go to sleep have your wife or significant other whip open the curtain, shine a light in your eyes, and say “time to go on watch”.
  • Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle. Move the shower head down to chest level. Install the hot/cold, on/off valves backwards.
  • When you take a shower turn off the water while soaping.
  • Every time there is a storm sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you’re nauseous.
  • Put diesel oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on high.
  • Using a spray bottle filled with diesel oil lightly mist your clothes.
  • Don’t watch TV except videos in the middle of the night. Take a vote on which one to watch, and then watch a different one.
  • Leave a lawn mower running in your front room 24 hours a day to provide the proper noise level and exhaust odour.
  • Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
  • Store your trash beside the chimney for a month.
  • Wake up every night and eat a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Make up a family menu a month ahead.
  • Set your alarm for random times. When it goes off run outside and break out a fire hose.
  • Once a month take every major appliance apart and put it back together again.
  • Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and let it cook for 6 to 8 hours. Call it tow boat coffee.
  • Invite 6 to 8 people you don’t really like to stay with you for two or three months.
  • Have a reading light installed under your coffee table and do all of your reading there.
  • Raise all of the thresholds and lower all top sills in your home so that every time you pass through you hit your head or bang your shins.
  • Lock-wire all the lug nuts on your car.
  • When making cakes prop up one side while it is baking then level it up after baking with frosting.
  • Every so often throw your cat in the pool and yell man overboard!